POP QUIZ: If you were a person serving as the unpaid lawyer to the most criminal president in American history, AND you were also under federal investigation and just had to retain defense lawyers because of your extracurricular activities in pressuring foreign countries to meddle in the 2020 election campaign for the benefit of that president, AND your Ukrainian-American Chucklefuck pals who were part of that scheme were under indictment and living in Ankle Bracelet Jail, AND you had a well-known propensity for accidentally confessing your crimes and your president’s crimes whenever you go on TV or when your ass texts a reporter or when your fingers text a reporter or when your ass calls a reporter or when your mouth calls a reporter, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO “LOL OH MY GOD NO” …By Evan Hurst; IMPEACHMENT

How much should you start a podcast?

Where you’ll have zero adult supervision and can just … say things?

And you will not have 17 hot dogs in your mouth at all times to prevent you from just … saying things?

Yeah well nobody ever accused Rudy Giuliani of having good judgment:

[Rudy] Giuliani was overheard discussing the plans with an unidentified woman while at a crowded New York City restaurant, Sant Ambroeus, over lunch on Saturday. The conversation, which lasted more than an hour, touched on details including dates for recording and releasing the podcast, settling on a logo, and the process of uploading the podcast to iTunes and other podcast distributors.

Two people who overheard Giuliani’s discussion reached out to CNN and provided a recording they decided to make of the conversation.

We will add “tells secrets at lunch to other people’s tape recorders” to Rudy’s portfolio as Cyber Expert. (NOT THE FIRST TIME a very smart Trump lawyer has given a TED talk about his client’s case in the middle of a restaurant.)

Giuliani’s spokesperson Christi-AH-NAY Allen — remember her? We met her yesterday! What a weird shitshow story that was! — confirmed the story, saying professional spokesperson things to CNN like “Many Americans want to hear directly from Rudy Giuliani,” but she didn’t show her math work on where she got that statistic.

According to CNN, Giuliani wants to do “four or five episodes” analyzing the House impeachment hearings, so we guess this will be kind of like the “Chernobyl” podcast, except for the radiation exposure will be coming from inside the podcast. Allegedly.

Question: Do wingnuts listen to podcasts? Like, are they going to turn off “Maury” and listen to this while they make Santa Jesus Christmas sweaters with their hot glue guns? We are just curious.

It’s entirely possible, nay LIKELY, that we will listen to this podcast while we are at the gym, because it will obviously be the Confess-A-Crime Workshop, which is just like Build-A-Bear, except for how instead of building bears, people will confess crimes. In fact, we are pretty sure it will be exactly the bugfuck shitshow sideshow this impeachment really needs, for comedic value, and also for witness statements the Trump administration refuses to give to Congress.

Will Roodles the Clown have guests on, to also confess their crimes? Can Paul Manafort use his commissary money to buy phone time to call in and say money laundering and election-fucking tips? Will there be a Russian Mob Chat section, where folks can call in and a special expert affiliated with the Russian mob will Skype in from Vienna to give advice on how to avoid extradition and duck US authorities? We are just curious about all the possibilities!

Maybe there will be musical numbers!

And what do Rudy’s new IRL lawyers think about this idea? Are they regretting their decision to say yes to the dress and be Rudy’s lawyers? What about now? What about now? Having second thoughts yet? What about now? What about now?

Anything else, CNN?

Giuliani also mentioned two op-eds for major newspapers he was planning on publishing, the first of which would explain why Trump is “unimpeachable” and the second offering an explanation of Giuliani’s defense of his client, the President.

Because Trump supporters are so well-known for reading the newspaper.

Anyway, this is going to be so awesome, mazel tov to Rudy for his new gig, live long and prosper, my dude.

[CNN]